1 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,520 Fay, this phone number You wrote down for me, 2 00:00:05,020 --> 00:00:06,390 I can't tell If that's a 5 or an 8. 3 00:00:06,390 --> 00:00:08,390 You know, I've always had This problem. 4 00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:11,390 People are always Telling me that my 5s Look like 8s. 5 00:00:11,390 --> 00:00:13,900 They say, "Fay, Your 5s look like 8s." 6 00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,270 And they do. 7 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,800 W-well, is this A 5 or an 8? 8 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,100 Um, a 7. 9 00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,110 Thank you. 10 00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:26,610 [seagulls cawing] 11 00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:31,040 Good afternoon, Ladies and gentlemen. 12 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,540 We are about to begin Pre-boarding 13 00:01:33,540 --> 00:01:38,050 Sandpiper air flight 14 To martha's vineyard, Hyannis, 14 00:01:38,050 --> 00:01:40,620 And calcutta. 15 00:01:40,620 --> 00:01:44,250 Just checking to see If you were listening. 16 00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:47,260 Excuse me. Can you direct me To the ladies' room? 17 00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:49,260 Oh, uh, certainly. Up the stairs And to your right. 18 00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:51,160 Thank you. 19 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:52,660 [telephones ringing] Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! 20 00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:55,170 Battle stations, everyone. We got a live one On the stairs. 21 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,670 What's goin' on? 22 00:01:56,670 --> 00:01:58,670 What that Unsuspecting woman Doesn't know is 23 00:01:58,670 --> 00:02:01,670 That the signs on the men's And ladies' rooms Have been switched. 24 00:02:01,670 --> 00:02:03,870 Why? Because if you can't Laugh at yourself, 25 00:02:03,870 --> 00:02:05,680 Laugh at somebody else. 26 00:02:05,910 --> 00:02:06,910 (brian) Now let's watch. 27 00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:10,680 5, 4, 28 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,180 3, 2, 1. 29 00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:15,180 Hey, somebody switched The signs up here. 30 00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:16,190 If I hadn't stopped That lady, 31 00:02:16,190 --> 00:02:18,390 She would've gone Right in the men's room. 32 00:02:18,390 --> 00:02:19,390 What're we gonna Do with him? 33 00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:21,390 [sighing] I don't know. As a child, 34 00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:23,890 They took him to have His tonsils removed, 35 00:02:23,890 --> 00:02:27,530 But in a tragic mix-up Gave him a humorectomy. Mmm. 36 00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:30,270 Hey, lowell, you wanna Switch those signs Back the right way? 37 00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:33,300 Ok, but it won't be Half as funny. 38 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,510 Hey, hackett, Did you see Today's sports page? 39 00:02:36,510 --> 00:02:38,510 How'd the celtics Do yesterday? They cover? 40 00:02:38,510 --> 00:02:41,510 Yeah. They covered Their faces When they left the floor. 41 00:02:41,510 --> 00:02:43,510 Played like A bunch of jackasses. 42 00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:45,520 Shoot! There goes 2 days' tips. 43 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,620 No clams in the chowder This week. 44 00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:49,120 No clams in the chowder Last week. 45 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:52,020 Is it my fault The celts are In a slump? 46 00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,390 There's an article About my boy, r.J. 47 00:02:55,390 --> 00:02:56,890 He's gonna be starting Defensive tackle 48 00:02:57,390 --> 00:02:58,390 For siasconset high This fall. 49 00:02:58,390 --> 00:03:01,200 Oh, really? I played some ball In high school, too. 50 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,430 Played semi-pro myself. 51 00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:05,940 Had guys like you For lunch. 52 00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:07,940 Must've had Quite a few of 'em. 53 00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:12,810 Anyway, r.J. Played His first spring scrimmage Yesterday. 54 00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:16,310 Made 7 unassisted tackles And knocked out The startin' halfback. 55 00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:18,310 That kid didn't come to For 5 minutes. 56 00:03:18,310 --> 00:03:19,750 [chuckling] 57 00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,250 There's a kodak moment. 58 00:03:22,450 --> 00:03:24,960 17 years old, Got a 19-inch neck. 59 00:03:24,950 --> 00:03:27,020 Uh, does it actually Look like a neck, 60 00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:30,390 Or does his head grow Directly into his shoulders? 61 00:03:30,390 --> 00:03:33,200 I had that kid pumpin' iron By the time He was 8 years old. 62 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:36,300 His mother used to hate it. But what the hell, She's dead now. 63 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,800 See, 64 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,170 The thing is These kids are not Naturally aggressive. 65 00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:42,670 You've gotta teach it to 'em. Well, I taught r.J. 66 00:03:42,670 --> 00:03:44,670 I taught him, Anybody tries To get past you, 67 00:03:44,670 --> 00:03:47,580 Anybody tries to move in On your territory, 68 00:03:47,580 --> 00:03:49,580 Move in On your business, 69 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,780 A business you started From nothin', 70 00:03:52,780 --> 00:03:56,650 Poured your heart And soul into For 10 years, 71 00:03:56,650 --> 00:03:58,150 Then you got every right To crush him 72 00:03:58,150 --> 00:04:01,020 Like a squirrel In a compactor. 73 00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:02,190 More coffee, roy? 74 00:04:02,190 --> 00:04:03,190 No, thanks. 75 00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:06,200 That 2nd cup makes me A little edgy. 76 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:08,930 Is it just me Or did the veins In roy's neck 77 00:04:08,930 --> 00:04:10,430 Just form A goat's head? 78 00:04:11,930 --> 00:04:13,440 Well, I should've known. 79 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:14,940 Known what? 80 00:04:14,940 --> 00:04:17,270 I got this really weird Phone call last night. 81 00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:18,670 Oh, brian! 82 00:04:18,670 --> 00:04:20,040 Wasn't me! 83 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,040 He's right. There were no wet Sucking sounds. 84 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,050 Yeah. That's just An icebreaker 85 00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:26,550 And, if you'd quit hangin' up, You'd realize that. 86 00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:28,550 It was roy's kid r.J. 87 00:04:28,550 --> 00:04:31,090 He wants to start taking Cello lessons from me. 88 00:04:31,090 --> 00:04:33,060 Ho, roy's gonna Hate that. 89 00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:35,560 That's why I told him He better clear it With his dad first. 90 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:37,060 Oh, brian. 91 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:38,490 What? 92 00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:39,760 Do you think He asked him? 93 00:04:40,130 --> 00:04:41,130 Well, you guys Were sitting here. 94 00:04:41,130 --> 00:04:43,130 He didn't mention a thing About cello lessons. 95 00:04:43,130 --> 00:04:45,130 My guess is The kid chickened out. 96 00:04:45,130 --> 00:04:47,140 It's a shame. It's really a shame. 97 00:04:47,140 --> 00:04:48,640 Guess it would have Made you feel pretty good 98 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,240 To give a kid like that A little culture And refinement. 99 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,240 Oh, get real. I got gambling debts To pay off. 100 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,750 Hey, helen, 101 00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:57,750 Did r.J. Call you And talk about 102 00:04:57,750 --> 00:04:59,620 Takin' some, uh, Cello lessons? 103 00:04:59,950 --> 00:05:02,290 Uh, yes, roy, I was gonna-- No, no. 104 00:05:02,290 --> 00:05:03,790 I think It's a good idea. 105 00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:05,220 (helen) You do? Yeah, yeah. 106 00:05:05,590 --> 00:05:06,520 Roy, that's great. 107 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,820 So when's he start? 108 00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:09,330 Uh, he can Start tonight. 109 00:05:09,330 --> 00:05:10,960 Uh, tell him To come here After work. 110 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,430 Here? You give The cello lessons here? 111 00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:15,430 Yeah, my landlady's Giving me grief again. 112 00:05:15,430 --> 00:05:18,400 She says the noise Is making her cat sterile. 113 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,400 I wish you'd play For my sister. 114 00:05:23,510 --> 00:05:24,770 7:00 sharp. 115 00:05:26,780 --> 00:05:29,410 Roy, you surprise me. Cello lessons? 116 00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:30,980 I've got my reasons. 117 00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:33,480 Come here, guys. You all gotta hear this. Come here. 118 00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:36,120 Hey, lowell. Lowell, get your butt Over here. 119 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,620 Well, I gotta change The plugs on a cessna Out here, roy. 120 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,490 But, lowell, I have An anecdote for you. 121 00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:44,990 Plugs, anecdote. Plugs, anecdote. 122 00:05:44,990 --> 00:05:48,100 Ah, color me curious, roy. 123 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:51,100 Hey, rudy, come here, Come here. Now get this. 124 00:05:51,530 --> 00:05:54,040 When r.J. Told me He wanted to take Cello lessons 125 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,540 I thought I was gonna puke, 126 00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:58,710 But then He gave me A reason so sweet 127 00:05:58,710 --> 00:06:00,710 That it touched This father's heart. 128 00:06:00,710 --> 00:06:01,710 And that reason was? 129 00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:02,710 "Dad, I'm horny For helen." 130 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,010 [all laughing] 131 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,920 Helen is gonna try And teach my kid the cello 132 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,920 While he's hugging her leg Like a lovesick poodle. 133 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,460 [all laughing] 134 00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:17,230 [shushing] Here she comes. Here she comes. Watch this. 135 00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:19,730 Helen, uh, I'm curious about, uh, Your teaching methods. 136 00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:22,230 Do you, uh, Lecture the students Or do you prefer 137 00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:24,070 The hands-on technique? 138 00:06:24,070 --> 00:06:27,670 Oh, definitely the hands-on. I like the personal contact. 139 00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:28,670 [both laughing] 140 00:06:31,170 --> 00:06:32,740 Am I missing Something, guys? No, no, no, no. 141 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:35,250 No, no, no, no, no. Lowell just made A silly face. 142 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:36,250 Cut it out, lowell. 143 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:38,750 See, I think r.J.'s Gonna get a lot Out of this. 144 00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:41,380 He's-- he's been awful shy About performing. 145 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:43,890 Don't you worry, roy. When I get through With him, 146 00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:45,390 He'll be takin' out That instrument 147 00:06:45,390 --> 00:06:46,360 And entertainin' The whole family. 148 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:47,760 [all laughing] 149 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,270 Hey, roy, do you know Where r.J. Is? 150 00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:57,170 He should've been here 20 minutes ago For his lesson. 151 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,500 You'll have to Forgive him, helen, He's always late. 152 00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,240 He takes after me. 153 00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:03,070 You and r.J. Are real close, Aren't you? 154 00:07:03,070 --> 00:07:05,070 Ever since His mother died 155 00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:07,080 He's all I got. God! 156 00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:09,210 I love that kid. Mmm. 157 00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:13,180 And unless I miss my guess, Yonder cometh The young maestro now. 158 00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:15,180 (roy) There he is. Here's my boy. 159 00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:17,820 Lookin' more like His mother every day. 160 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,460 [exclaiming] Oh, she was A handsome woman. 161 00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:23,960 Hey, sorry I'm late. Dad, guess what? Uh-huh? 162 00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,460 I bench pressed 350 pounds today. 163 00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:29,970 I could have done that, But in my day they didn't Have benches that heavy. 164 00:07:29,970 --> 00:07:30,970 [both laughing] 165 00:07:32,170 --> 00:07:33,670 That's a good one, dad. 166 00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,170 I'll have to remember That one. 167 00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:37,510 [both grunting] 168 00:07:37,510 --> 00:07:40,510 Mom and I used to Do that after shopping. 169 00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,880 Hey, why don't we go on Out to the hangar And get started. 170 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,380 Ok, but, I gotta tell you, I don't know anything About this. 171 00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:47,480 I mean, I don't even know Where to put my hands. 172 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:48,990 Oh, don't worry. I have this Really good book 173 00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,590 That shows you All the different positions. 174 00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:53,060 [snickering] 175 00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:55,220 "Shows you All the different positions." 176 00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:56,730 "Where to put My hands." 177 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:03,500 I take it You don't read music? 178 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,500 Uh, no. 179 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:08,000 Ok, I want you to know that All of my beginning students Are really young, 180 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,010 So these books are Geared towards them. 181 00:08:10,010 --> 00:08:12,510 Please don't think I'm insulting Your intelligence. 182 00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:15,510 Ok. Now. 183 00:08:15,510 --> 00:08:18,010 The mama hen is The whole note 184 00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:21,020 And all the little baby chicks Are the 8th notes. 185 00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:22,520 Look, a rabbit. 186 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,930 Good, I'm not going Too fast for you. 187 00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:31,790 This string is the "G" 188 00:08:31,790 --> 00:08:33,300 And we will play it 189 00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,800 By bowing... 190 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,800 Just above the bridge 191 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,300 Like so. 192 00:08:44,170 --> 00:08:44,970 [inaudible] 193 00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:48,480 Ok, you're gonna keep Playing that note 194 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,980 And we're gonna master Just that one. 195 00:08:50,980 --> 00:08:52,680 Ok. Bow. 196 00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:55,280 Joe, what do you want? We're in the middle Of a lesson. 197 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,790 Uh, well, the guys didn't Want you to know this, 198 00:08:57,790 --> 00:09:00,590 But the only reason r.J.'s Takin' cello is He's got the hots for you. 199 00:09:01,090 --> 00:09:04,090 Now, I--I just Didn't want them laughing At your expense. 200 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:09,100 Oh, joe, That's so sweet. 201 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:11,600 Yeah, well. I just thought You should know. 202 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,440 Oh, not you, r.J. 203 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,270 The big lug's so smitten, He's takin' lessons Just to be near me. 204 00:09:17,270 --> 00:09:19,410 You're not upset? Oh, no. 205 00:09:19,410 --> 00:09:22,540 But the guys might be. You spoiled A pretty good gag. 206 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,080 I think I'm gettin' better. 207 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,590 Listen, r.J. 208 00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:31,090 I know this is A confusing time for you. 209 00:09:31,090 --> 00:09:33,590 The boy becoming a man... 210 00:09:33,590 --> 00:09:35,090 Stop that! 211 00:09:36,590 --> 00:09:38,590 The boy becoming a man. 212 00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:41,100 Your hormones are blitzing Your brain out, 213 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,600 Therefore you're drawn To an older woman 214 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,470 For her experience And for her wisdom. 215 00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:48,970 Who could blame you? 216 00:09:48,970 --> 00:09:51,470 But you should be Taking the cello Because you love it, 217 00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:53,840 Not because you have Some schoolboy crush on me. 218 00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:57,280 I don't have a crush on you. I just told that to my dad So I could take the lessons. 219 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:01,280 It's ok, r.J. You don't have to be Embarrassed about it. 220 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,120 I know you're Attracted to me. 221 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,120 I'm not attracted to you, I swear. 222 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,620 I just wanna take The lessons. 223 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,490 You don't have to Lie, honey. 224 00:10:09,830 --> 00:10:11,130 I'm not lying. 225 00:10:11,130 --> 00:10:13,130 Am I gettin' Chunky again? 226 00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,630 No, you look nice. 227 00:10:14,630 --> 00:10:17,230 Is it my hair? Oh, I knew I shouldn't have let That lady cut it. 228 00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:19,470 No. That's not it. Oh, so it is something. 229 00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:21,970 What is it? Is it my personality? 230 00:10:21,970 --> 00:10:24,970 It's these clothes. Oh, it's the accent. 231 00:10:24,970 --> 00:10:26,480 All of the above? 232 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,880 Well, what is it? Tell me! 233 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,580 For crying out loud, You tell me! 234 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,550 It's not you, it's me. I'm gay. 235 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:35,550 Oh, thank god. 236 00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:37,550 [exclaiming] 237 00:10:45,690 --> 00:10:48,200 Uh, run that By me again. 238 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,200 It sounded like you said That you were gay. 239 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,700 I am. Can I learn Another note? 240 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,700 In a minute. 241 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:55,700 Are you sure About this gay thing? 242 00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:57,210 I mean, You're a young guy. 243 00:10:57,210 --> 00:11:01,040 Have you actually Done anything about it yet? 244 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,550 Well, not really. I mean, 245 00:11:03,050 --> 00:11:05,050 I haven't found anybody To be gay with. 246 00:11:06,550 --> 00:11:08,550 I think You need someone. 247 00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:09,850 It helps. 248 00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:11,850 Well, then, How do you know you are? 249 00:11:11,850 --> 00:11:14,860 Well, I've had These feelings For a long time 250 00:11:14,860 --> 00:11:17,360 And I've gone To the library And read a lot. 251 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,860 And donahue did A whole week on it. 252 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:24,000 You know, you're The first person I've told, 253 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,500 But, now that I've told you, 254 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,500 I feel good. 255 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,010 Matter of fact, I feel real good. 256 00:11:31,010 --> 00:11:32,510 I--I feel free. 257 00:11:32,510 --> 00:11:34,180 I feel like Telling everyone. 258 00:11:34,180 --> 00:11:36,180 Just came in To say good night. 259 00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:38,210 Fay, I'm gay. 260 00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:41,450 Oh! Of course You are, dear. 261 00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:42,950 You're young and healthy. 262 00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:44,950 Your whole life's Ahead of you. 263 00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:46,960 Who wouldn't be gay? 264 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,860 Well, good night. 265 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:52,360 That was really easy. You know donahue said It could be like this. 266 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,160 Hey, r.J., Lesson's over? 267 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,670 Hey, joe, guess what. I'm gay. 268 00:11:57,670 --> 00:12:00,670 Uh, why not? 269 00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:04,140 Helen, 5 minutes ago This kid had A crush on you, 270 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,140 Now he's gay. 271 00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:07,140 What on earth Did you do to him? 272 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,450 Excuse us, Excuse us. 273 00:12:10,450 --> 00:12:12,450 Just gettin' a soda. We don't wanna interrupt 274 00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:13,650 God knows what. 275 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,150 You guys aren't Interrupting anything. 276 00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:16,790 I was just tellin' joe I'm gay. 277 00:12:16,790 --> 00:12:19,290 [exclaiming] Check please. Look, joe, 278 00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:21,290 I know you're desperate To prove what a wacky guy You are, 279 00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:23,560 But puttin' a kid Up to this? 280 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,690 Joe didn't Put him up to it, It's true. 281 00:12:25,690 --> 00:12:28,200 R.J. Just told roy That he was Interested in me 282 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,000 So he could Take these lessons. Oh. 283 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,500 So you say You're gay, huh? 284 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,500 Hmm. Gay, really? 285 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,510 No. 286 00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:37,510 Yes. 287 00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:39,580 No. 288 00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:41,540 What do I have to do To prove it to you? 289 00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:43,910 Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 290 00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:48,990 R.J., have you told Your father about this? 291 00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:51,320 No, not yet, but-- Wait right here. 292 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,830 He hasn't told roy yet That he's gay. Please, you guys, 293 00:12:55,820 --> 00:12:58,330 You've got to let me tell him That he's gay. Please, oh, please, 294 00:12:58,330 --> 00:13:00,330 Oh, please, oh, please, Oh, please. Brian. 295 00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:02,830 Do you have any idea What that would do To roy? 296 00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:05,830 Yeah. Please, oh, please, Oh, please oh, please-- 297 00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:08,340 Forget it, brian. A lot of people could Handle this information, 298 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,340 But we're talking About roy biggins here. 299 00:13:11,340 --> 00:13:13,840 So, we've all agreed. He can't know, ok? 300 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,340 [all mumbling] 301 00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:17,310 (r.J.) Ok, guys, I'll see you later. I'm gonna go tell dad. 302 00:13:17,310 --> 00:13:18,650 (helen) Whoa, whoa, whoa, r.J. 303 00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:21,650 Look, I know that sharing This news makes you Feel real good. 304 00:13:21,650 --> 00:13:23,990 And we're all glad for you. And I want you to know 305 00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,990 That you have our support In telling anyone you want, 306 00:13:26,990 --> 00:13:28,820 But I don't think Your dad should be One of them. 307 00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:32,160 But dad's my best friend. He said I could talk to him About anything. 308 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,260 Did he specifically Mention this? 309 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:36,770 Well, no. 310 00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:38,270 M-maybe you guys Are right. 311 00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:39,770 I mean, I went this long Without telling him. 312 00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:41,170 I guess, I can go A little longer. 313 00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:42,670 Yeah, of course You can. 314 00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:45,170 But remember, 315 00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:47,280 If you change your mind About telling your dad, 316 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,780 Please call me. I'm available 24 hours a day. 317 00:13:49,780 --> 00:13:51,780 I'm even thinking Of getting a beeper. 318 00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:00,420 [telephones ringing] 319 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:02,930 (fay) Joe? 320 00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:04,430 Uh, joe, I was wondering, 321 00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:06,430 Would it Be a problem if I left A little early, today? 322 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,930 I have my modern dance class At the seniors' center. 323 00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:11,130 Oh, yeah, sure, fay. Go ahead. Have fun. 324 00:14:11,130 --> 00:14:14,140 I--I wouldn't ask, But if I'm late I get stuck with mr. Hoffman 325 00:14:14,140 --> 00:14:15,640 As my partner. 326 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,640 He has trouble lifting me Over his head. 327 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,640 Fay, does your dance group Ever give recitals? 328 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,810 Yes, they do. Next time invite me. 329 00:14:24,810 --> 00:14:26,320 Will do. 330 00:14:29,150 --> 00:14:30,150 Helen, where You going? 331 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,120 I'm going to give R.J. His lesson. 332 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,960 I'm begging you, You got to let me Tell roy about his kid. 333 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,290 Absolutely not. 334 00:14:37,290 --> 00:14:38,790 Oh, but you don't Understand. 335 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,300 I got all this information Building up inside of me. 336 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,300 I'm gonna hurt Something internally. 337 00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:46,300 Well, if you tell him, I'll hurt something Externally. 338 00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:50,040 All right, Yeah, well, he's gonna Find out soon enough. 339 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,040 Ok, what do you mean By that? 340 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,040 Word's out All around town. 341 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,380 Oh, you're exaggerating. 342 00:14:55,380 --> 00:15:00,380 Helen, r.J.'s organizing A nantucket gay pride parade. 343 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,890 If I don't tell roy, He's gonna learn it From a float. 344 00:15:05,290 --> 00:15:06,720 You stay out of this. 345 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,990 Well, if I can't tell roy, Can I at least take him To the parade? 346 00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,060 R.J., we have to talk. 347 00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:21,740 Look, I know we told you That it would be bad for you To tell your father. 348 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,740 But do you know What would be worse? 349 00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:26,240 Him finding out From someone else. 350 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,240 And that is A distinct possibility. 351 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,750 Because you have been A busy little fellow, Haven't you? 352 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,750 I'm gay and I'm proud. 353 00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:36,250 Save it for the parade. 354 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:39,250 Oh? You know about that? I'm the grand marshal. 355 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,620 Congratulations. 356 00:15:43,130 --> 00:15:45,130 Listen, roy, You better get in here. 357 00:15:45,630 --> 00:15:49,130 Your son has something Pretty important to tell you And it can't wait. 358 00:15:49,630 --> 00:15:50,630 Ok. 359 00:15:51,630 --> 00:15:53,640 Everything's gonna be All right. 360 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,640 Why don't you Take a deep breath? That usually helps me relax. 361 00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:05,510 You can Let it out now. 362 00:16:05,510 --> 00:16:07,120 [exhaling] 363 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,620 Listen roy, Just remember, 364 00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:12,620 No matter What you're about to hear, Your son loves you. 365 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,030 R.J., I--I don't know What's going on here, 366 00:16:17,030 --> 00:16:18,530 But I gotta tell you, I'm a little scared. 367 00:16:18,530 --> 00:16:21,960 The way she's talkin', Sounds like you got Some bad news. 368 00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:23,830 Don't worry, son, Your old man can take it. 369 00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:26,440 Just give it To me straight. Don't hold back. 370 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,570 [groaning] Dad, I'm gay. 371 00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:30,570 Dad? 372 00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:32,070 Dad! 373 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:34,580 Dad? 374 00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:38,280 What did you say? 375 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,750 I said I'm-- [groaning] Stop right there. 376 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,450 You--you go on home. 377 00:16:43,450 --> 00:16:45,960 I'm going back to the office. This whole thing Never happened. 378 00:16:45,950 --> 00:16:47,290 Dad, it's true. 379 00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,790 Look, I don't know What kind of Artsy-fartsy ideas 380 00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:52,290 Helen's puttin' in your head, But you are not... 381 00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:53,300 [gasping] Gay. 382 00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,800 Let me explain-- 383 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,300 I don't want Any explanations. You are not... 384 00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,230 [gasping] Gay. 385 00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:00,740 Am, too. Are not. 386 00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,240 Am, too, damn it. 387 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,240 All right. All right. 388 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,240 We are gonna settle this Like men. 389 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,740 How? 390 00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:09,750 Gimme a minute. I'll think of somethin'. 391 00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:16,890 You and me, one-on-one. 392 00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:17,820 What do you mean? 393 00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:21,220 If you win, you can be gay, If not, you can't. 394 00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:24,590 Dad, this is really weird. 395 00:17:24,590 --> 00:17:27,100 Don't talk to me About weird. 396 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:29,730 Let's do it. 397 00:17:29,730 --> 00:17:31,030 [both grunting] 398 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,710 I let you do that. 399 00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:54,720 Give it up, dad, I'm younger than you, I'm quicker than you-- 400 00:17:59,290 --> 00:18:00,800 In your face. 401 00:18:06,230 --> 00:18:07,270 [both panting] 402 00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:10,270 Hey, guys, what's up? 403 00:18:10,270 --> 00:18:11,770 Nothing. It's-- it's none Of your business. 404 00:18:11,770 --> 00:18:13,280 Dad, it's-- it's ok. They know. 405 00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:15,240 For the love of mike, 406 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,110 R.J., that's just A figure of speech. 407 00:18:17,950 --> 00:18:19,920 You told him? 408 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,420 [groaning] That just tears it. 409 00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:23,920 What happened? He fainted. 410 00:18:24,290 --> 00:18:27,290 [groaning] He fainted. Ah, joe... 411 00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:30,290 Brian, brian, It's-- it's ok. You'll get over it. 412 00:18:30,290 --> 00:18:33,630 Isn't this sort of A strange time To be playing basketball? 413 00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:35,400 It's a contest. 414 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,900 If I win, I'm gay, If dad wins, I'm not. 415 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,240 Well, have fun. 416 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,240 That sort of puts A whole new slant On the n.B.A., doesn't it? 417 00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:54,250 That's it, I win. I'm gay! 418 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,820 2 out of 3. Huh? 419 00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:00,690 Come on, 2 out of 3. No way. 420 00:19:00,690 --> 00:19:03,190 No way, dad. You said if I won, I could be gay. 421 00:19:03,190 --> 00:19:05,560 And I won Fair and square, So I'm gay! 422 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,260 Yeah, well, I'm your father. 2 out of 3. Come on! 423 00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:26,650 [roy groaning] 424 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,020 26 out of 51. 425 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,520 No. It's over. 426 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,020 But I'm just gettin' Warmed up. 427 00:19:36,530 --> 00:19:37,930 Dad, 428 00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:40,300 [panting] 429 00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,800 We could play all night 430 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,300 And even if by some miracle You were to beat me... 431 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:46,800 [grunting] Yeah? 432 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:47,800 [both panting] 433 00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:50,870 ...It wouldn't Change anything. 434 00:19:50,870 --> 00:19:53,380 Are you sure You won't ever Change your mind? 435 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:54,880 Yep. 436 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,280 Ever? 437 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,280 Ever. 438 00:19:59,550 --> 00:20:02,050 But you don't Understand, r.J. 439 00:20:02,050 --> 00:20:04,050 I got plans for you. 440 00:20:04,050 --> 00:20:06,560 College ball, the pros. 441 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,360 Those are my plans, Too, dad. 442 00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:13,360 But you're my son. 443 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,230 You're my only child. 444 00:20:17,030 --> 00:20:19,030 And I always will be. 445 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,540 Are you sure there's No chance you'll... 446 00:20:23,540 --> 00:20:26,040 You'll change Your mind, huh? 447 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,540 What do you say? Say, one in a million? 448 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:30,050 No. 449 00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:32,050 Ok, ok, ok. 450 00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:34,550 One in a billion? 451 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:38,050 That's next to nothin'. It's practically nonexistent, Come on. 452 00:20:38,050 --> 00:20:40,060 What do you say, One in a billion? 453 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,060 Just so I can Sleep at night, huh? 454 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:43,360 Huh? 455 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,860 [sighing] 456 00:20:46,860 --> 00:20:51,130 Well, ok, Maybe one in a billion. 457 00:20:51,130 --> 00:20:54,370 I knew it. You're not sure. Come on. 458 00:20:54,370 --> 00:20:56,870 Let's start over. Best 2 out of 3. 459 00:21:02,110 --> 00:21:03,110 [taunting] 460 00:21:19,690 --> 00:21:22,700 Looks like roy's gonna Fight this one Till he drops, huh? 461 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:25,200 Yeah, well, It's a tough thing 462 00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:27,200 For both of 'em. Yeah. 463 00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:30,710 [laughing] 464 00:21:30,710 --> 00:21:33,210 I wonder how you'd feel If I told you I was gay, huh? 465 00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:34,940 You're kiddin'. You are, aren't you? 466 00:21:36,950 --> 00:21:38,450 Come on. 467 00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:39,950 Be serious. Everyone knows. 468 00:21:40,450 --> 00:21:41,450 What? 469 00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:42,950 Come on, brian, Look at the way you walk. 470 00:21:42,950 --> 00:21:46,020 Yeah, very funny. Very funny. 471 00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:48,520 Well, I'd stay away From the wharf If I were you. 472 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,890 Some of those guys Have been out to sea A pretty long time. 473 00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,390 Hey, listen, joe, 474 00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:55,400 If you're trying To prove that you've got A sense of humor, 475 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,570 I'm not bitin'. 476 00:22:04,070 --> 00:22:05,010 What's wrong With the way I walk? 477 00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:09,410 Nothin' really. It's hardly noticeable. 478 00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:12,780 You were right, guys. Brian does walk funny. 479 00:22:13,150 --> 00:22:13,950 What? 480 00:22:13,950 --> 00:22:15,850 [in a deeper voice] I mean, what?